Brianna Blue: I am free

On page 55 of the November issue of ec, we printed a letter we recently received from ec reader Brianna. Brianna discussed a poem she had written, and we'd love for you to read it, too.

I am free
by Brianna Blue

Found in a culture
Worlds away from my small town in the Bible belt
Entrusted to new friends
Not sure about the truths that I held
Insecure and shy
 A new journey arose
Who was I really?
 No answers
Only scars hidden beneath my trendy clothes
The God I once worshiped
 Now like a distant childhood friend
Rising anxiety reveals an addiction
A tendency time has yet to mend
Talking about it only brings more problems, uncertainties, and doubt
Sharper blades
Deeper wounds
 Maybe I can just cut them all out
My identity in Christ
Now a confusing, questionable mess
Failure & anger take turns with my mind
 As I obviously fail this test 
Friends offer church, the Bible, & prayer
But I find my comfort in cutting
 Choosing the blade over God
Showing how little I care
Restrained to a room
 Forced to leave my cutting habit in the past
This hospital is scary
 But I find strength thru my silence
My invisible mask
Vowing to avoid future imprisonment
My life takes a turn
Not towards the healing power of God
But to even worse outlets
To a new, even darker level of self-resentment
Torn from my blade
No skills to cope
It was on to alcohol
 Complete trust in a cup of vodka & coke
Who needs a higher power? God? The Holy Spirit?
I can solve my own problems…
I thought
But I came nowhere near it
Self-mutilation, the blood, and the pain
The alcohol, the pills
this drug in my vein
My problems, my worries, my fears only growing
What is wrong with me?
I keep asking
And the tears just keep flowing
One day an old friend
A remnant of the life I used to lead
Speaks of a topic my mind has shunned
Of a Savior, a Christ who died
And without knowing it plants a small seed
He takes me to church
He speaks of our Lord
Over & over he tosses that dart
A chisel to my numbness
The Holy Spirit finds a tiny seed in my heart
God’s perfect grace
Like water to a bean sprout
Rushes in with hope, with Faith
 Abolishing an overwhelming heap of doubt
A weary step it is
The first one back onto that rock
My Father demonstrates His patience
As I turned away
But He continued to knock
Lifted up in such grace & mercy
 I find myself so unworthy to accept
But I begin to pray
& become aware
No matter how far I ran
God never left
He held true to His word, to His promise of His grace
To the church I am called
To the altar
His spirit leads me to this place
Rededicating my life to His will
I find a renewal of mind-set
Handing over my life, my body, my spirit
This is a tiny gesture of apology
Knowing there is no way I could ever repay my debt
But through the blood on the cross
My Father has washed away my sin
All of these things I’ve struggled to conquer
Are no surprise, no challenge for Him
Amazing is a word unworthy to describe the grace of the God I serve
Trials we are promised
Yet rest in Him is also guaranteed
Finally from my sins, from my failures, & my transgressions
Through God’s unending love & His mercy
I am free.