The editor's thoughts on the January 2011 issue

I hate confrontation. In my closest relationships, I sometimes even find myself taking extreme measures to avoid it. I fear confrontation because my relationships with friends and family are vitally important to me. I don’t want to do or say anything that would damage the relationship—or, in the worst case scenario I fear the most, end the relationship.

Recently, I had to sit down with a friend and have one of those face-to-face, honest, confrontational talks. Things had started to change in our relationship, and friction had developed. She had hurt me, and instead of talking about it, I’d tried to push the hurt deep inside myself and ignore the problems. But the assumptions, expectations, and hurt feelings between us only grew. It was time to be honest, to forgive and be forgiven, to talk and pray about our problems, and move on. It was a difficult conversation, but it was one that came about because of God.

See, for weeks I’d known something cancerous had slipped into our relationship. Honestly, my first response was self-pity, sadness, and anger. But at some point, I began to pray. I prayed for the relationship, for wise decisions, for God to work in my friend’s heart so that she would invite the conversation, and for God to give us the opportunity to talk. Above all, I prayed that when the time came, I would only say what the Holy Spirit led me to say. And God did it all. I am convinced that because He ordained the conversation, we were able to deal with our problems, set aside our pride and self-righteousness, and even grow into a deeper, more honest friendship.

Relationships are hard, whether with your family, your friends, or the people at your church. But believe it or not, God has given us tools and a standard for living that strengthens and deepens every relationship in our lives. Your greatest resource is your relationship with Christ. By spending time with Him, reading God’s Word, serving others, applying Scripture to your life, and being around people who love Him like you do, you become more like Him. And as a result, your relationships become more about loving others and less about getting your way.

Fact is, a vital relationship with God strengthens every other relationship in your life. That’s why Gretchen Williams’ cover story, “Four Steps to Better Relationships,” focuses on spiritual disciplines. It’s why the devotion themes focus on things like humility, service, community, sacrifice, and meditating on God’s Word. All of these things change the way we live our lives and the way we treat the people in them. I want you to walk away from this issue of ec and know what it means to be a part of the community (or body) of Christ—that’s why we thought it was so important to include teenager Elisha Mott’s story on page 56.

Trust Jesus. Yield your life to Him and let Him transform everything, relationships included.

This Really Happened

In light of the “Guy Talk for Girls” and “Girl Talk for Guys” article on pages 29 and 30 of this month’s issue of ec, I thought that a little more insight into some typical actions of girls might be helpful. And coming from someone who’s been there and done that, I hope you’ll take the following to heart:

Girls: don’t call boys. And don’t continue to call them if you call them and they say they are going to call you back but never do. I say this because I’ve been there. I’ve been the 15-year-old girl in the long-distance “relationship” who probably pestered the guy and his family with my weekly phone calls. I still didn’t get the point when the guy rarely called me back (and then, it was usually late at night, which made my dad really mad!).

I bring this up because recently, I was minding my own business, doing some work in my office, when my phone rang. My phone rarely rings, and when I didn’t recognize the number, I answered it in my most professional voice: “LifeWay, this is Emily.” On the other end, the unmistakable voice of a 14-year-old girl said “May I speak to Bill?” When I assured her there was no one in my office or even my department by that name, she decided she must have had the wrong number and hung up.

Thinking that was that, I tried to get back to work. When my phone rang a few seconds later, I wasn’t that surprised to see the same number on the caller ID. I answered, and the girl was surprised that I answered instead of her precious Bill. I tried to explain my phone number to her, and she tried to tell me the number she was trying to dial. In frustration, she hung up.

I didn’t even try to get back to work but just waited for the phone to ring again. Sure enough, it did. SURPRISE—same number on the caller ID. At this point, I am resolved to help this girl figure out how to call this guy. So I answer the phone, and she is still a little surprised that dialing the same phone number still makes my phone ring. (What’s the definition of insanity again?) I asked her where this guy lives. Mobile, Alabama, she says. OK . . . that helps. So with a simple Google search, I find that Mobile’s area code is 251. The same as my prefix.

When I tried explaining (over and over and over) that since she was in Nashville and she wasn’t dialing 1 first, the phone was just taking the first seven digits of the ten digit phone number she was trying to dial. And those first seven digits happened to be my number. So after explaining that she would have to dial 1 first, then the area code and the number, she thanked me and hung up.

Thinking the matter was resolved, I got back to work. A few minutes later, I got another call. Yep. Same number. I answered, and she said: “Oh. Huh? You again? Well, You were right! I dialed 1 first and got him. So he said he’d call me right back, and he hasn’t done it yet. So I’m calling him.”

“So how come you’re talking to me?,” I asked.
“Oh whoops. I guess I forgot to dial 1 first,” she said.

The moral of this story is: to make a long distance phone call, dial 1 first, then the area code. And second, girls shouldn’t call boys. It annoys them. They want to be the ones pursuing you, girls. Don’t try to force a guy to talk to you. Wait for the one who can’t wait to talk to you. Except for the occasional homework question or maybe if you need a date to a Sadie Hawkins dance, let the boys do the dialing!

Guys, sound off! Am I right? What’s your take on girls calling or texting you? Leave us a comment with your thoughts.

Why I had to cut a relationship out of my life

You've probably noticed that there isn't a new Snippets and Soundbites this Friday. Due to the team's travel schedule, it just didn't happen today. Never fear, though! Snippets will be back next Friday!

While Snippets may not be new, we do have a new post from Emily, ec's production editor. Check out her thoughts as spurred by the "Toxic Relationships" article on page 20 of the current issue.

“Reading Jennifer McCaman’s article on toxic relationships made me put on my thinking cap. I tried to recall friends in my life who’d had a toxic effect on me (or worse, friends on whom I’d had a toxic effect). Deciding not to stray too far into the past, I realized that there is one relationship I’ve definitely had to cut out of my life due its negative influence: my ties to the TV show “The Fabulous Life” on VH1. Maybe you’ve seen this foray into all things lavish, but I hope you haven’t (and won’t! Read on for why . . .)
“In college, it seemed like this show was always on. I’d come in from class, finish my homework, then watch some TV. Flipping through the channels, this show would suck me in as it explored the “fabulous” life of someone rich and famous. After watching how the celebrities spend/waste their money—A designer purse that costs thousands? I’ll take ten, one in every color—I would feel deprived and jealous, wondering why I didn’t have (and probably never would) what the stars seemed to take for granted.
“So I decided that the woe-is-me attitude and sulky outlook sparked by the show was reason enough to stop watching it. And I like myself and my life a whole lot better when I’m not comparing it to the ridiculous lives of celebrities! It wasn’t fun, and it wasn’t easy to force myself to change the channel or leave the room if my friends decided to watch it. But it was better than being cynical and temporarily depressed when I compared my life to the life of someone rich and famous.
“Take it from me, it’s not just people who can be toxic. You have to look carefully at EVERYTHING that is part of your life to determine what effect it has on you. As 1 Thessalonians 5:21 says, “Test all things. Hold on to what is good.”
—Emily

Happy Valentine's Day!

In honor of this day, we at ec want to wish you the happiest of Valentine's Day. And instead of dwelling on the fact that you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend or getting overly obsessed by your dating relationship on this day, we encourage you to celebrate all the people you love. Your parents. Your friends. Your brother or sister. Your student minister. Your aunt. Let the people you love know it today!

And while you're here, check out this link to True Love Waits. Many of your churches are probably planning commitment ceremonies and asking you to make a pledge to remain sexually pure until marriage. But what does that really mean? The TLW staff anticipated your questions and answered them here.

Know this: sexual purity is more than NOT having sex; it's refraining from activities and situations that might lead to compromise and involves things you say, do, and watch. You can be participating in activities or doing things that are degrading your purity and still be a virgin.
As Christians, you've been called to live a pure life in all areas. Strive for that today!

Five more things

Top 5 Ways to Avoid Needless Teenage Heartache, compliments of Emily, ec's production editor, who had her fair share of broken hearts and hurt feelings in high school thanks to boys

5. Liking much older boys while in junior high is NOT good, no matter how much attention he gives you (and every other girl). Avoid the junior or senior who spends a lot of time with young girls. He's got issues.

4. Any guy that you're not willing to tell the whole truth about to your parents isn't worth dating or even liking.

3. Don't call boys incessantly. They don't like it. If he doesn't call you back, he's not worth your time.

2. Don't be mean to other girls. It's a turnoff to guys.

1. Don't pretend to be anything you're not. It'll save you a lot of trouble!

—Emily