Myths of Forgiveness

You've probably already seen Amber Mushegan's story “Second Chances” on page 60. Her point? God is the God of second chances, and as people who have been freely forgiven, we should extend forgiveness to others. At the same time, you may have some false ideas about what forgiveness actually is. So, here's what forgiveness is (and what it isn't):

Myth #1: We must forgive and forget.
We’ve heard and believe that to truly grant forgiveness, we’ve got to forget what happened. I’ve even heard people say, “The Bible says we are to forgive and forget.”

Truth: Nowhere in the Bible does it tell us to forgive and forget. The Bible does state that it is the character of God to forgive and not remember, but we are not required to do so. Some things are too painful to ever forget. We can choose to not dwell upon those events or words and move forward, but we will never forget them.

Myth #2: To forgive someone means I’ve got to reconcile the relationship.
We buy into the myth that forgiveness isn’t complete until the relationship is fully reconciled.

Truth: Not all relationships can be reconciled. More than that, not all relationships should be reconciled.
If you have suffered abuse of any kind, you probably have little desire to have a relationship with the one who abused you. In fact, it may be in your physical, emotional, and spiritual best interest to not be anywhere near that person. That’s understandable. You don’t have to reconcile to forgive. In your heart, simply choose to forgive that person. God can bring restoration to all relationships, but reconciliation isn’t always possible or necessary.

Myth #3: If I forgive someone, that diminishes what he or she did to me.
Sometimes we believe that by granting forgiveness we are saying what happened to us wasn’t really that bad.

Truth: When you’ve been hurt or abused, nothing lessens or removes the deep hurt you’ve experienced. Forgiveness doesn’t diminish what happened, but instead gives you the power to live through it in a way that glorifies God.


Myth #4: If I forgive someone that means I have to immediately trust him or her again.
We may hesitate to forgive because we think we have to place our trust in that person before true forgiveness can take place.

Truth: A broken trust is one of the hardest things to restore. In fact, it may never be restored or need to be restored. (See the truth in #2.) Trusting the one who hurt you is not a prerequisite to forgiveness.

Myth #5: If I truly forgive someone, I only have to do it once.
We have this false sense that we can just say the words “I forgive you” once and everything will be fine.

Truth: That’s rarely the case. Sometimes granting forgiveness is a daily thing, even an hourly thing. There is definitely a moment when you choose to forgive, but you may have to continue to revisit that decision and continue to intentionally forgive the one who has hurt you.

Myth #6: If I’m truly a Christian, forgiveness will be easy to give.
Sometimes we think that because we’ve been forgiven much, it’s that much easier for us to extend forgiveness.

Truth: Though as believers we are compelled to forgive others because of the great forgiveness we have received in Christ, it’s still sometimes difficult to forgive. That’s why you need to allow God to help you through the process. Let Him see your honest heart, regardless of how hard it is. Give Him freedom to soften you and empower you to forgive.

These truths can be applied anytime forgiveness needs to take place. But perhaps some of you have experienced hurts and wounds that are far deeper than just a broken promise or back stab from a friend. You have dealt with and continue to deal with the destruction caused by someone who has abused you or abandoned you. Though these wounds can be deep and difficult to overcome, forgiving the one who has hurt you is a major step on the road to healing. Don’t allow these myths to hinder you. By God’s grace and power, grant forgiveness and keep moving forward.

© 2009 LifeWay Christian Resources
Mike Wakefield, "Myths of Forgiveness," ec magazine, May 2008, LifeWay Christian Resources: Nashville, 2009, p. 17.